Grief, Cancer, and Finding Your Way Forward
Some moments split your life into “before” and “after.” They arrive without warning, land in the body before the mind can catch up, and quietly change everything.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, something I know intimately. My own cancer journey began in October 2022, one of the 55,000* people diagnosed each year (*Breast Cancer Now). Four years on, I am grateful to be well, even if the medication I take and will do for up to ten years occasionally goes “out of stock,” sending me on an unexpected tour of every chemist in Leamington until one pack appears on a shelf like a golden piece of treasure.
Recently, I listened to a podcast about grief. At first, I thought, But I didn’t die. And yet the message resonated deeply. Because cancer brings a kind of grief that is rarely spoken about. This is the grief of losing the version of you, the one you were before the diagnosis. In that single hour at the hospital, where they scanned me, took biopsies, and offered me a cup of tea (a story for another day), my life changed direction whether I wanted it to or not.
Bruce Feiler calls these moments “life quakes”, the events that shake your foundations and force you into a new chapter. You can resist, freeze, or do nothing for a while, but eventually life pushes you forward. Your diary changes. Your priorities change. Your identity shifts.
And the question becomes: When do we grieve the life we had before?
When the Life I Knew Suddenly Stopped
Before my diagnosis, I was a senior HR leader in a global organisation, running multi million pound projects. Family life was chaotic but functional, held together by spreadsheets and determination. I played netball, ran, did Pilates. I had the freedom to buy clothes I liked, book mini breaks, replace the carpet just because I fancied a change.
Then it all stopped.
I stopped work, I worried about upsetting people with my cancer diagnosis. Friends didn’t always know what to say. I had to let others drive me to appointments, cook for me, care for me. And somewhere in that stillness, I realised I didn’t want my old life back. The stress, the deadlines, the constant pressure, cancer had shaken me awake and handed me the hardest question of all:
What do you want now?
I took time out. I found a coach and began talking about myself something I had never truly done. I learned to notice where emotions lived in my body, what was real, what mattered, and how to put myself at the top of the list. It was uncomfortable. It was hard. It was necessary.
⭐ Grief and the Cancer Journey
Grief isn’t only about death. As Elisabeth Kübler Ross wrote, grief is the process of letting go of what once was and moving toward what now is. The stages she identified are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and these all show up in cancer too:
- Denial “This can’t be happening.”
- Anger at the diagnosis, the disruption, the fear.
- Bargaining “If I just stay positive…”
- Sadness for the life that paused, changed, or ended.
- Acceptance not approval, but understanding.
Grief is the bridge between the life you had and the life you are building now.
One writer described it perfectly: “To get to the other side, you have to put something down.” And that is what I have been learning to put down what kept me small, safe, worried, or stuck. To thank those old patterns for protecting me, and then to release them.
I am loving my new life. I am still practising the question “What do I want?” and it gets a little easier each day. I have met the most incredible women in my breast cancer group and each one of them has their different stories scars and planning their futures beyond treatment.
Cancer changed my life. Grieving the old version of me has allowed a space for the new one to grow.
📝 Journal Prompts
To help you explore your own healing, identity, and direction:
- What part of my old life am I still holding onto
- What changed the moment I received my diagnosis
- Where do I feel grief in my body
- What do I want now, in this chapter
- What am I ready to put down
- What small joy can I choose today
If you are navigating life after cancer, or you feel stuck between the “before” and “after,” you don’t have to do it alone. My work supports women in releasing emotional patterns, rebuilding identity and finding steadiness again.
If you’d like to explore fear release, emotional healing or reconnecting with yourself, reach out. Your next chapter deserves space, support, and clarity.